So, tonight as I tucked Miss 5 into bed, she throws her arms around me, real tight - as she does every night - and says "Mama you are the best!" And tonight, as happens every night, my heart is pricked with sadness - because today I failed her again.
I have pretty high expectations on myself as a mama. I want to be fun loving, wise, with grace flowing from my tongue, a calm spirit, peacemaking, gentle (ok and I want to be the kind of mama who always has cookies and milk ready at any moment.... - sad I know) - the list goes on. Sometimes I am some of those things. Sometimes I am not very many of those things. Sometimes I wonder if I can ever be any of those things. Motherhood is a battlefield. My task oriented pride is at risk. Every conversation, every dealing, every glance is a potential fatal wound to my 'portrait of me as perfect mother'.
What I mean is that when I want to speak kindly with wisdom to settle a dispute or issue of disobedience, sometimes a poisonous rebuke comes out. The kind that shrivels little hearts. And sometimes an impatient sigh. I know about the sigh because I heard my 1 year old copy me yesterday.... (another fatal wound to my pride of self imposed perfect motherhood!)
But... this is not a confession of self pity! No, certainly not! This is just some thoughts out loud which is me, making some moves in the direction of loving my children as the Lord loves me. Because actually that's what I need to be doing. Paul (as in the Apostle Paul) writes in his letter to the Corinthians about love. True Biblical love. Ironically I am in the midst of writing a children's book about how to love like this. So, maybe you want to join my on this journey. Go ahead, look up 1 Corinthians 13 - and join me on the journey.... and as for the book.... well.... watch this space! :)